Fusion cuisine is dead. Witness and tremble before the birth of confusion cuisine. A mixture of tamarind chicken curry, red lentil, sweet potato and coconut dhal, bombay potatoes, rice, feta cheese salad with vinaigrette, nuts and grapes.
Mixed together and served in a cardboard trough. Bloody lovely.
I wasn’t always the wild man of recipes. In my formative years I worked as a gravy tester at a granule factory in Birmingham. I was assigned to wander round with a bib and a dulux colour chart, amidst a brightly lit room full of gravy boats. I had a saucy encounter every morning, approximately 50 of them. By the time it was afternoon I would hungrily pursue fantasies of escape.
My boss was a highly successful entrepreneur who had made her fortune hedging oxtail, wore a fedora to work, and had funny ideas about gravy testing. I was obliged to sign a non disclosure agreement (which I found to be a little shady), and some ‘other paperwork’ was discussed.
Quite frankly, I was a little surprised when I saw the full contract. Before I got caught up in the gravy industry I was so innocent I thought culinar lingus was when you had to wait ages for your dinner. I did think about signing for a while, but then decided the most prudent course of action was to leg it.
The version of the gravy recipe here is not entirely complete; I am remain bound by the NDA, and also some twine from the hardware shop.
Firstly grind up 2 inches of thick tail from the finest Venezuelan ox, together with 2 pounds of beef shank. Add a few carrots and shallots. Brown them all off .
Boil them all up in a pan for a fair few hours. For that 50 shades taste, heavily whip some cream and beat some eggs silly with a whisk. Leave standing until uncomfortable. Sieve and serve.
Rage Cuisine Tip:
Consume with a pinch of Columbian cocoa, gives it a decadent twist.
Apparently Jack White leaked this recently. Should have added cornflour to thicken it up.
Taken from his tour rider. Fairly interesting. Especially the section on bananas.
• 8 x large, ripe Haas avocados (cut in half the long way, remove the pit—SAVE THE PIT THOUGH--, and dice into large cubes with a butter knife. 3 or 4 slits down, 3 or 4 across. You’ll scoop out the chunks with a spoon, careful to main the avocado in fairly large chunks.)
• 4 x vine-ripened tomatoes (diced)
• ½ x yellow onion (finely chopped)
• 1 x full bunch cilantro (chopped)
• 4 x Serrano peppers (de-veined and chopped)
• 1 x lime
• Salt & pepper to taste
• Mix all ingredients in a large bowl, careful not to mush the avocados too much. We want it chunky. Once properly mixed and tested, add the pits into the guacamole and even out the top with a spoon or spatula. Add ½ lime to the top later so you cover move of the surface with the juice (The pits and lime will keep it from browning prematurely.) Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate until served. Please don’t make it too early before it’s served. We’d love to have it around 5 pm.
Following the tumultuous success of the brief fire sale of my book, it has now gone back up to the full price!
Yes, now you can have the pleasure of paying for quality rather than leaping on a handout. I bought some picture hanging wire today from Amazon for £1.99 (inc delivery) and my book is far more fun than that.
Rage is £1.52. And it took me about 5 years to write. That represents solid value.
Here's the link:
If enough people buy it I can go to Cuba! Imagine how happy I'd be then.
Expanded and stuffed full of pleasure.
In a fit of altruism I've reduced the ebook to zero, nada, nilch, **** all for the 26th January.
It has about as much chance of going viral as the lice bucket challenge, but if you like it do spread the word and a review would go down very well.
It's similar to the first edition but with most of the finesse taken out and an extra 40 pages of blooper reel.
Available free on Amazon on Monday.
Extract from the explosive new second edition of Rage Against The Cuisine:
The recipe was inspired by the book A Brief History of Brine, an anthology of fish dishes based on eminent physicists - including Kipper Thorne and Prawn Marie Curry. Due to the uncertainty principle, I can't say what's in it. Also, as I'm feeling koi, it's probably best to download the book and find out. It's free this weekend 24th and 25th January from Amazon.
Rage Cuisine Tip:
If no prawns available, this recipe can be made with a quantum of scallops.
I bought a slow cooker in the January sales. £20 from Asda. Used it once and although it was quite slow it worked ok and the food tasted masively better than usual.
My learning point is that if there is food at the bottom of the pot which you can't get out with a ladel, just leave it. The crock pot was too hot to lift without using oven gloves and the coefficient of friction is insufficient to tilt the pot at such an angle that the rest of the food tips out without the crock pot flying onto the floor. The bad news is I got most of my dinner out beforehand.
Is this a conspiracy? Surely the manufacturers, Breville, know that this is bound to happen. I often rage against my dinner but this time I was ****ing furious.
Come on Breville, use rubber studded handles or at the least write a big warning on the box. It's like taking a corner at a velodrome on a greased bicycle, and waiting 8 hours for the privilege.
A new low! Tastes like a fish explosion in your mouth with a delicate buttery aftertaste. Prepared and served outside Leeds bus station. Classy.
A charming story of illicit gambling, sex, violence and a rather nice steak with rabbit appetiser, all in a Cantonese setting!
The comet 67P cocktail. Don't try this at home!
Whether you want to celebrate the comet landing or drown your sorrows at the recent news that Philae is stuck under a cliff and may not be able to continue the mission, a special 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko Cocktail has been created by the Ptolemy team.
1 measure butterscotch schnapps
1 measure Bailey’s Irish cream
1 measure cinnamon schnapps
Ice, dust organic particles
Shake and strain the butterscotch, Irish cream and cinnamon schnapps into a cocktail glass. Float the Sambuca, then sprinkle cinnamon or nutmeg on top. Flame the drink. Best served as a contact binary.
The comet cocktail
Everything is going to be ok now.
(Courtesy of Daily Telegraph online. A great resource for funny shit regarding comets)
The news we've all been waiting for. Real space food!
Updated with more stuff, the paperback edition of everyone's favourite cookbook hasn't yet arrived but has set off and is on it's way.
Available soon in your local bookstore, especially if you live in Feltham.
Don't do this at home, the gift books smelt of turnip after a while...
Last week I foud a shop in London selling minature pasties. These were claimed to have aphrodisiac properties and have been used in Cornwall for centuries to lure hungry sailors to their doom. I tried a couple and was awake for six days.
I reverse engineered one of these savoury packets and found it to be a thin crust packed full of seasoned kangaroo, spinach and riochta. I'm just trying to cook one now. The recipe will be up soon as possible. Watch this space!
An artist's impression of the author at dinner. Not actually a Selfie.
One is a the world heavyweight boxing champion, and the other one doesn't like water on his head.
If he behaves like that as a fully grown adult, makes you shudder when you think of the christening...
The most esteemed eating places are almost entirely populated by dicks.
For 26 unfortunate pictures, click the link.
Probably the wrong day to eat a reduced to clear chicken ready meal. But here goes...
If one joint doesn't kill you, the other one probably will.
I saw these and couldn't believe it. It's like perverting a symbol of northern tradition and culture into a glorified vol au vent.
As far as I can tell, they've stuffed them with rocket, mashed swede, goats cheese, with a delicately poised fin of roast beef. It's so twee it makes Billy Elliott look butch. My ancestors are spinning in their caskets.
For the attention of any southern based mockney chefs; it's a Yorkshire pudding, not a Yorkie. A Yorkie is a dog. The world doesn't end at Watford. Stop de-regionalising my dinner.
I've just got this in the oven. Basically it's a bag into which you put some chicken, and it's got some paprika to tip on as well.
I don't speak a word of Polish, apart from Sklep, and so don't have a clue about the instructions. I'm waiting to hear a loud bang.
If anyone can read Polish, or is Polish, could they please get in touch.
I have a lot of dried fruit. I seem to have accumulated it. I got some for Christmas and then I went to Aldi and bought more of it.
I was starting to wonder if dried fruit is good for you. It turns out it is. Here is an article where an expert explains the ins and outs of the dried fruit game.
Did you find this article informative, or do you just not give a fig?
For even more of this kind of stuff, do visit the archive.
Rage against the cuisine: backing up for your pleasure since 2011.
The mystery of the East, mixed with the ready availability of supermarket curry. Who'd have thought it, the perfect romantic moment.
The recipe is as follows:
Buy a ready meal chicken korma. Take off the cardboard sheath, prong the film then microwave for 6 minutes at 850w.
Clean a plate. Serve the rice first and the korma then on top, presentation is everything with this particular dish.
Garnish with contraception. If you don't serve this dish often it's best to check the sell by date. It's wise not to buy this particular item reduced to clear.
Serve with a spinach side salad. Well it worked for Popeye.
Rage Against The Cuisine Tip:
There are approximately 64 variants of this dish but the mainly involve moving the rice around. See if you can find any more. Bon appetit.